Of Love and War

Word of wisdom for today: don’t start reading your horoscope just because it’s opposite the comics. Yesterday’s astrological hypothesis was another winner:

“The dynamic between you and your romantic hopeful is getting interesting, humorous, and/or annoying. The more you ignore this person, the more he/she adores you.”

Well, since I have no idea who this so-called ‘romantic hopeful’ is and therefore can’t pay her any attention, I don’t think I can mess this one up (if indeed the hypothesis turns out to be true—I half-think it’s a load of bovine feces). Of course, this is banking on the “absence makes the heart grow fonder” notion, which is true to a certain extent. I often find myself digressing into thoughts of “what if” and “what should I do” after any kind of remotely successful social encounter (and yes, the barometer for determining “successful” has been lowered during the “Great Drought of the 20s”—some would rather call it the “college years”).

The negative side effect of the absence produces fondness theory is that one inevitably has to go through relationship purgatory (commonly known as limbo) before seeing results. Unlike the popular party game, social limbo sucks. Compare it to that feeling of non-hunger-non-fullness that makes one ponder whether to eat dessert or snack after a meal—you’re sick if you do, you’re hungry if you don’t. The exact same thing can be said of limbo. You’re sick on an emotional level—if not a physical level as well—if you keep to the absence program, because its driving you crazy that some resolve can’t come of the situation. But once you break the silence, one phone call leads to another call and the twiterpated thirst won’t ever be quenched.

Limbo’s not necessarily a bad place to be if one knows how to manage it. I remember reading something about a year ago (though I don’t remember where) that said something to the effect of “If you’re forced to rest, a laurel is as good a place as any to do it.” Looking at the dearth of opportunity that is life at this point, limbo doesn’t sound like a bad vacation from reality. While it is always possible to over-think a situation, limbo gives one a chance to play out various scenarios. It gives a person time to talk to members of his or her personal cabinet (yes, everybody needs a personal cabinet; let me know if I need to explain this concept, it’s actually one of my better theories) and come up with a war plan for almost every possible situation. By the time the battle breaks out, it’s possible a guy or gal could have several good and reliable courses of action that would prevent the new-relationship jitters.

But, after awhile (days, weeks, months…kinda depends on the opposition), the whole “out of sight, out of mind” opinion becomes more relative. Guys’ attention spans are only as long as the time between commercial breaks during the game, and we’ve already got a lot to think about then. I mean, you’ve got quarterback ratings, cheerleaders, rushing stats, cheerleaders, receiver vs corner matchups, cheerleaders and a whole heckuva lot of other stuff to keep track of; not much time to ponder limbo. That’s why it’s apparent to me that the whole be obvious approach to relationship initiation is the best on both fronts. Guys gotta do enough to make the girl stick in the mind longer than the next big play, and gals gotta do enough to make sure they stick in the mind more than the dynamics of the game (and no, dynamics is not slang for cheerleader).

So, what’s there to do while in limbo? Using the war metaphor, before engaging in battle, one needs to send out a good recon team to gather intelligence. In fact, I’ve got an official “Director of Intelligence” on my personal cabinet solely for the purpose of gathering intel (granted, each cabinet member functions as an intelligence gatherer at times, but its always good to have a go-to person). Take all the information you can get, and start coming up with various scenarios and courses of action with your “Secretary of Defence.” In the meantime, don’t go out of your way to avoid engaging the opposition (well, avoid the “traditional” engagement, because, you know, nobody’s gone strait from limbo to being engaged, but engaged as in a meeting or an encounter). While engaging the opposition can be awkward, awkward moments lead to more obviousness and obviousness leads to decisions, whether good or bad. At the same time, don’t go looking for a fight when there’s no opposition to fight. Provoking action unnaturally would be somewhat intimidating; and intimidating, unsubstantiated action is akin to terrorism (and nobody likes terrorists). The key is to realize when the window of opportunity is open the widest to avoid snagging the clothing as one jumps through (unless, of course, you’re a nudist; then its even more important not to snag stuff).

If only there were a mathematical equation one could use to figure out the probability of success…

Points and Produce

It was another one of those funny-horoscope-next-to-the-comics days in the daily news paper:

“Work gets tense, but that's nothing compared to your personal life! What causes stress is not the situation itself but your thoughts about it. With a little help, you can manage those.”

That may explain the pounding headache I’ve had since I set out on this whole self-discovery method of explaining the social fabric of the space-time continuum; that, or I’ve got SARS.

What’s the whole meaning and point of the last week? I think I’ve finally concluded that it confirms the obvious point that since guys have the advantage on the scoreboard when it comes to building social relationships, they are the ones to initiate and lead in the relationship. Yeah, I know, obvious point, and one many of you are telling me to wake up and observe. But find the best method (heck, any successful method) of relationship initiation is another one of those “not a lot of research here” areas. Thus many guys—yeah, including myself (doesn’t take a genius to figure that out)—find ourselves in a bit of a quandary when attempting to pursue “happiness” (or Allison, or Heather, or whoever she is).

The system itself wouldn’t have as many problems as it does if it weren’t for the other variables in the fledgling equation: girls and intangibles. I’ll be the first to admit I’m not one to take a subtle hint (I miss the obvious hints too, mind you); that’s why I told the ladies last week to be obvious in any and all hints you choose to give us concerning your feelings (or lack thereof) of attraction. If you want us to keep in touch or call you or something, we kinda have to have your phone number. More often than not the phone number exchange is the figurative signature on the metaphorical contract sealing the fact that two parties are interested in each other and the relationship can commence in some shape or form. So, when we ask for your phone number, we’re probably gonna call. If you ask for ours, that means you’re gonna call. It’s a weird and funky system, I know, but apparently people make it work.

And blast those bloody intangibles for causing fear and anxiety. If I were a gambling man, I’d venture I miss an opportunity or two every couple of weeks because of fear, anxiety, and a general lack of self-confidence. Going out on a limb, I generalize that’s precisely why 80-90% of guys and girls return home alone after a night on the town. I’m thinking, too, that the intangibles are somewhat rooted in the fruit basket theory because we’re either a) uncertain whether we’re an apple, pineapple or worm and/or 2) uncertain whether the potential interest is an apple, pineapple or worm. It’s fine to be talking to fruit of your own kind, even better to be talking to the premium produce, but it’s a health to be with the rotten stuff. And it sucks even worse when you are the rotten stuff, but since nobody gives honest opinions anymore, you have no idea if you’re rotten or carmelized.

So, yeah, the horoscope’s dead on today. I’d banish myself from thinking, but it’s still not proven that I have those processes yet.

Head-to-Head, Final Round

I’m growing weary of this bloody awful exercise, especially since its apparently already reinforcing what I know. Some people think I already know enough to be a dangerous lady slayer. Pshaw, I say; just because a guy knows a lot about food doesn’t mean he can cook something in the oven. The point, of course, is that knowledge—especially for guys—doesn’t equate into social aptitude. Girls at least have those two weapons strapped to their chest that they can use in emergency situations. Guys’ secret weapon gets them into emergency situations.

Final Round: Wild Cards

1) Initiation – In spite of what it may do to the space-time continuum, I’m going to reveal to all gals how to know if a guy’s interested in them: we talk to you. It’s that simple. If we want food, we go to the store; if we want shelter, we go to the house. If we want lovin, we go to the girl. It’s that friggin simple. Gals, on the other hand, throw out so many varying signals that we don’t know whether you want us to stay on base or attempt to advance on the next pitch (that’s guy-speak for “BE MORE OBVIOUS”). Sometimes gals talk to guys because they’re interested, other times its because they’re just being nice, or that they have nothing better to do. And there’s no rhyme or reason to their conversation. There’s no hints or structure or anything different about a “hey baby” conversation from a “poor baby” conversation. That sucks. ADVANTAGE: guys

2) Interaction – Here’s the real reason why guys and gals still, to this day, don’t understand each other: neither of us can speak the other’s language. For gals to be able to talk to guys, they need to know the firing order of a small block Chevrolet (1-8-4-3-6-5-7-2) or anything else about cars and engines, statistics of a major sports figure, any small part of a Larry the Cable Guy routine, or some mildly impressive electronics speak. And, really, it doesn’t have to be correct information about engines, sports, electronics, or whatever; just throw something out there and we’ll lead the conversation. For guys to be able to talk to gals, they need to know about 50% off sales, color-clothing coordination, buy 1 get 1 sales, color-furniture coordination, holiday sales, candle and body lotion fragrances, and anything else about sales. It’s easier to get certification in nuclear technology or brain surgery than it is to figure out sales and coordination. And why hasn’t Bath & Body Works come out with “Motor Oil Madness” yet? It'd do better than cucumber melon. ADVANTAGE: even

3) Intangibles – The true wild card of the contest, which is basically the stuff that needs to be addressed that doesn’t fit anywhere else. And there’s not a lot that I can think of (then again, after pondering about this profoundly significant but inconsequential topic for a week, I don’t really want to think much for awhile). For instance, guys tend to pull more money into their pockets, but I’d venture a guess that very few guys manage the money better most gals. I figure it’s because we don’t shop a lot. And if shopping’s so valuable an experience, why is there no “Advanced Shopping and Consuming” in the Economics Department at most colleges? And even though the whole stereotype about asking for directions when lost is pretty well true of guys, its because guys typically make better split-second decisions than girls (if you don’t believe me ladies, how many spontaneous purchases at your shopping outings have had adverse effects on your finances days or weeks after the event? “More times than guys’ wrong turns” is the correct answer), and as such, we’re cool with trusting our gut—however much of one we’ve got. Differences like these can’t really be measured or compared, just merely accounted for. ADVANTAGE: the intangibles.

Discussion: So, unofficial results: Guys 8, Gals 6, Intangibles 1. Not surprising considering the biases this researcher took into the study. And I’m still not sure what the significance of the whole thing is. If anything, it’s just reinforced a theory posed to me by “the co-worker who knows better” a few days ago. “Dingdong, in the animal kingdom there are foxes and there are hedgehogs. Foxes are crafty, cunning, and generally find creative and complex ways to solve problems. Hedgehogs are simple. The only thing they do is curl up in a ball and prick the crap out of you, but somehow it works. Girls are foxes—yes, in more ways than one—and guys are hedgehogs.”

I always was a big fan of Sonic. Never liked Tales much.

Head-to-Head, Round Three

The pointless-to-this-point debate over the differences of guys and gals continues with yet another recount from yesterday. It has been brought to my attention that gals like to hang out at shoe stores and other gal’s pads. But where do single gals live? Houses? Compounds? Beauty salons? Shoe stores? And why in the world would gals hoping to be noticed by guys congregate in private places like houses and shoe stores? Momma didn’t raise no ordinary fools; we’re not going in those places unless we’re suckered into it by a significant other (and we better darn well be rewarded for our expense). Gals, please, come out into public. You’ll make the world a prettier place. Score remains 4 all.

Round Three: Psychographics

A good friend of mine always insisted that the key to getting anything in life (and I do think he meant anything) lies in one’s ability to market him or herself. It’s too bad I slept through all the marketing classes I took as an undergrad; they’d have come in handy here.

1) Personality: Crap, this is a lot tougher than I thought it would be. Previous research leads me to think guys have three personality types, as per the box theory, and girls have four or five as suggested by the friends theory. I have no idea which is better. I also have no idea how to figure out gals’ personality type; it’s probably because I have no personality. ADVANTAGE: even

2) Value-system: When making decisions, guys consider two things. How will “the guys” think, and what will girls think. Gals consider, um, many more things than this. “Will it cause me to look fat?” “Will this cause me to sleep less?” “What happens if it causes the end of the world?” “Can I pay with credit cards?” “What will Mom think?” “What will my puppy think?” “Will it leave the toilet seat up?” “Does it match my shoes?” All that just to pick out a loaf of bread. ADVANTAGE: guys

3) Response mechanisms: Guys have one response mechanism: walk it off. Whether it’s a stomach virus, a bullet to the leg, the death of the huntin’ dog, or the loss of the home team, guys walk it off. Dude can have a car wreck that leaves him paralyzed, and he’s still gonna attempt to get of bed and walk a few laps around the hospital like nothing ever happened. Gals break a nail and nuclear holocaust ensues. I know a lot of you are claiming stereotype, but where there’s smoke, there’s fire. And you couldn’t pay me enough money to be around a gal during that time of the month. ADVANTAGE: guys

4) Primary hot button: Guys have two hot buttons. One’s the stomach, the other’s slightly below the stomach. Girls have hot buttons too. Unfortunately, I always push the wrong hot button and make her mad instead of happy. Is there a wiring diagram of a girl somewhere I can study? ADVANTAGE: guys

5) Fears – Gals are scared of lots of things. They’re scared of being alone and not being taken care of. They’re scared of spiders, snakes, and other creepy-crawlies. They’re scared of being overweight, underweight, too tall, too short, too attractive, too ugly, too smart, too dumb, too hungry, too full, too bossy, too indecisive, too loud, and too quiet. They’re also scared of loaves of bread. Guys are scared of girls. ADVANTAGE: girls

6) Passions – Gals like lots of things too. They like group shopping trips and moonlit walks on the beach. They like intimacy and friendship and getting to know people while shopping at the mall. They like a sense of humor and intelligence in the clerks at the stores where they shop. And I’ve heard they also like shopping and shoes. Guys like girls; and doing things with girls. ADVANTAGE: girls

Discussion: by my unofficial count, the guys have their first lead of the game. They did it by being superficial and easy to figure out. Maybe gals should take a lesson while they’re drowning a cricket in bug spray and hunting for a new pair of pumps. I still think this may be the most pointless thing I’ve done with my life. Of course, if the guys win, I’m brilliant.

End of Round Three: Guys 7, Gals 6

Head-to-Head, Round Two

Against my better judgment, the head-to-head guys versus gals matchup goes on, even after a recount of round one yesterday. The dispute was over the eyes category, as one scholar noted that girls occasionally give good looks too. The sports commissioner reviewed the play, and did agree that girls give good looks; however, they’re insanely subtle and most guys wouldn’t know a “come here baby” look from a “get away, I’m going to sneeze look.” Thus, the ruling on the field stands and the score remains Guys 2, Gals 3.

Round Two: Miscellaneous Demographic Data

1) Population – The Census Bureau reported that, as of 2000, there were 143.4 million gals in the U.S., compared to only 138.1 million guys. You’d think with that many more gals than guys I’d have a decent shot at landing one. Do the math, though, and that’s only a 1.03 to 1 gal to guy ratio. Gives new meaning to the whole “special one” concept, don’t it? And has anybody ever met 1.03 gals? ADVANTAGE: even

2) Geography – Will somebody puh-LEEEZE tell me where single girls hang out? I’ve been to everything from fancy eateries to county fair truck pulls – no difference in either. Single guys are easy to find. Besides the afore-mentioned places, we frequent living rooms, bathrooms, game rooms, garages, clubs, bars, and electronic stores. ADVANTAGE: guys

3) Income – From all the reports I’ve seen, guys continue to have more earning power than gals. I, like everybody, don’t think its fair, but I’m in no position to do anything about it. ADVANTAGE: guys

4) Age – Rumor and data suggest gals live longer than guys to. If gals weren’t stomping our grapes so they’d put out more wine, we might live longer. Ever had your grapes stomped? ADVANTAGE: gals

5) Education & Age – The wild card of the round. Hear me out on this one, because evaluating both categories on their own likely wouldn’t do much to help the cause. Based on observation and interview data, it appears to me that girls begin the maturation (and as such, gaining of wisdom) several years earlier than boys do. However, this process of maturation appears to take ten, fifteen, even twenty years. Boys, on average, don’t get out of the kootie stage till their mid-teens, but once they do, tend to be fully mature and wise (granted, there are various levels of wisdom; some grapes get more ripe than others) in five years or so. It’s a good theory, but, unfortunately, still too few case studies to be sure. ADVANTAGE: even

Discussion: Other than catching guys up with gals on the scorecard, it’s still a pointless exercise. There are more girls than guys, but guys don’t know where they’re at, so it does them no good. More than likely they’re all older gals anyway; which make good adopted grandparents, but not so nice significant others. Maybe the psychographic data will turn up something substantial.

End of Round Two: Guys 4, Gals 4

Head-to-Head, round one

Obviously nothing’s come of the whole horoscope incident of last week. I know that comes as a great surprise, but it still needed to be said. What’s the statute of limitations on something like that anyway? Does it mean I’m gonna be stuck with the next girl I turn into a psychotic babbling idiot or has my supernatural ability expired?

Anywho, the marriage equation is still in the works. I’m having to review all the calc and trig notes from high school and early college life, which is a slow, painful process. Believe it or not, there exists very little quantitative research on the subject, which is fine since I like to think of myself as a pioneer. The bad part is that I’ve got to start from scratch.

So, I thought the best way to do this would be to just put guys and gals up against each other in a head-to-head style format, matching traits, characteristics, and anything else I deem worthy of consideration in an effort to look for commonalities, patterns, abnormalities, or anything else noteworthy (plus, there’s not really much else to write about right now).

Round One: Physical Traits

1) Hair – I might as well start at the top and work my way down. It’ll be easier to keep things straight. Guys normally have hair. It’s not normally confined to their head. Even that which is on their head has a tendency to disappear or become disorderly. Gals have hair too, and (hopefully) the only place they got it is on their head. Even when they’re having “bad hair days” (whatever the crap those are), its more orderly than my “good hair days.” And gals’ hair typically smells like fruit. ADVANTAGE: gals

2) Eyes – Guys have eyes. They’re used to look. Gals have eyes. They’re used to give the look. No contest. ADVANTAGE: guys

3) Nose – seemingly a tossup, since everybody’s got a nose and most noses do the same thing. Girls typically stick their noses in a lot more places they don’t belong, though. ADVANTAGE: guys

4) Mouth – another tossup. Guys have mouths, and not a lot comes out of them, which is good mind you. The bad, though, is that half of the stuff that does come out of our mouths is normally classified under that “bodily function” category and not as “verbiage.” Gals have mouths too, and although very few use it for the “bodily function” thing (which, I think more of them should; there’s something mildly fascinating—if not attractive—about a girl that burps), gals use their mouths way too much. ADVANTAGE: even.

5) Midsection – I could seriously damage myself here. Suffice it to say as great as arms, pecs, and abs can be to guys, gals were created with breasts. They’ve caused guys problems ever since. ADVANTAGE: gals

6) Lower body – another potential area detrimental to my social well-being. The short of it, gals look good in tight jeans, shorts, dresses, sandals, tennis shoes, pumps, or any combination of the above. I never bothered to notice how guys look. ADVANTAGE: gals.

Discussion: This was a seemingly pointless exercise. Like all good academic research, the mini-study revealed nothing new and stated the obvious in more flowerly language (well, maybe not). Girls look good. Guys look at girls and only hope girls look at them. Score through 1: Guys 2, Gals 3.

Maybe Round two will be more productive.

Math Homework

My horoscope today made me chuckle:

“The spark of romance finds you yet again, but this time, there is no way you can get burned. The Cancer or Leo you meet has a true and beautiful heart. Share your love.”

First, I’m not one to go out of my way to read the horrorscopes. It just happened to be opposite the comics today, and I find myself addicted to Pearls Before Swine. Sad part was that my horoscope was funnier than 75% of the comics. I may have to read it again tomorrow.

Second, as I write this, it’s 4:30pm, and I haven’t met a single soul yet (or a single girl, for that matter). And looking at tonight’s agenda which consists of going home and prepping for tomorrow’s lecture, I don’t think the chances of this amounting to much are very good (odds in Vegas of me getting married—like, ever—are somewhere around 75 or 100:1; in normal people speak, its slightly better than gas prices coming down and slightly worse than hell freezing over). Expect an update tomorrow or Thursday if/when I get a chance.

Third, why is it that people always say “You’ll find that special someone when you least expect it”? That’s equating finding a mate to hitting your thumb with a hammer or any other chance accident where somebody could find him or herself in a world of pain. Course, it also means it’s equated with good stuff winning the lottery or finding change in the couch cushions. And, economically speaking, two household incomes should theoretically do better than one household income (put kids into that equation, though, and you’re screwed).

Point, though, is that it’s difficult for me—a reason-based, logically-thinking (okay, most of the time), research-and-report kinda guy—to grasp the whole mate finding thing as purely a crap shoot. AM’s favorite people want to say that there’s a formula or method to go about it, and I have a tendency to believe them. Granted, I may not believe that their method or formula works, mind you, I just think that there has exists in the world an equation that makes love a calculated process and not a random occurrence.

For a com scholar who didn’t take math, it may be a bit difficult to figure out, but y’all sure as heck know I’m gonna try.