The Box Theory

You hate it when you leave yourself nowhere to go after your last blog post? Yeah, I royally hate me for screwing myself over. I think I’ll beat me up. Before I do, though, I’ll attempt some random string of mildly coherent thought that leaves one scratching his or her head that God would actually allow a pathetic being such as myself to go parading around in public for close to a quarter century.

I’ve concluded through much research that there’s something to my hypothesis that girls are all evil (I’m gonna get beat up by myself anyway; I might as well just speak my mind and get all the beatings done and over with). In fact, as soon as I can get in touch with the authorities, I hope to get it confirmed as a scientific fact (along with the whole window of opportunity theory). Everybody’s always talking about, “there’s chemistry between you and her,” or “maybe there’s a spark between him and her,” so I figure I’ll talk to the American Chemical Society and see what other sanctioned research has been done on the matter. Granted, there has been a mathematical proof of the hypothesis, so it is plausible. However, in typical MythBuster’s fashion, I want to see a real-world confirmation.

I’ve at least figured out why guys who don’t deserve girls get girls. There are four groups of males in the world--no more, no less--and guys are placed in one of the four groups based on their levels of competence and confidence. All guys start out as “boys,” the period of low competence and low confidence. “Boys” are dumb; they have no idea how the world’s social system works, if they even know what a social system is at all. “Boys” also don’t have a lot of confidence in themselves, though its for good reason: they’re puny, pathetic, pimply-faced weaklings at the bottom of the food chain.

From there, a “boy” takes one of two options: he either develops competency or self-confidence. Obviously the competent ones move into “geekdom.” They figure out the way the world works, do insanely well in school, sit and theorize about quantum physics, and create robotic women at will. But because they have no self-confidence, the robotic women they create leave them for a household appliance (not that I know or anything). Real women choose household appliances over geeks too, though, so at least they’re use to it.

The guys who take the confidence route are a different story. They get girls they shouldn’t be with, jobs they’re not qualified to have, and opportunities not afforded to the normal man just because they exude the highest level of confidence in themselves. In fact, some guys act like it’s a privilege for a girl to have him as a “friend,” or an employer to have him as part of the team, just because of the sheer ability to market and sell one’s self. That’s also the problem with the confidence route. You always walk the line of conceitedness, which means, more often than not, you’re a jerk.

Then there are the true men in the world: competent enough to handle most any problem, confident enough in themselves to tackle any opportunity. It’s tough to break into the elite club of men, because one naturally plays his strengths--whether it be academic achievements or social skills--and don’t focus enough on improving weakness--whether it be social skills or academic achievement. Rough estimate, only 5% of the total male population ever attains this level of manhood, because the geeks never get out enough to take opportunities, and the jerks are too busy living the social lifestyle. I personally think all males aspire to be part of the complete, well-rounded 5% elite club, but the point at which they attain this desire is obviously different. Some guys realize it much too early and turn into Doogie Howsers (not that there’s anything wrong with being an 18 year old doctor, but, c’mon). Many realize it much too late and end up being middle aged recluses or washed up celebrities. The goal of all guys is to figure out the utopian time frame for advancement through the system. This ensures 1) gaining the proper technical skills necessary to complete the task of life so one does not fall flat on his face and 2) having time to break into a social network necessary to get the support for the task of life so one does not fall flat on his face. For men, it’s all about not falling flat on the face.

So, the goal temporarily is to get out of geekdom.

Just One of the Guys, concluded, finally

“I’m still mad at you for that comment last night,” Shay told me via messenger as I sat down to a nice Italian dinner (translation: hastily made sketti). “Just one of the guys?” I asked her. “Yeah,” she said. I promised her a explanation here on this very website, to which she said, “It better be a dang good one.” Admittedly, I’ve drug my feet about getting into the meat of the “One of the Guys” trilogy. It’s a very touchy subject, which has offended at least one person before. Figuring myself to be in a deep enough hole that I’ll never see the light of day again anyway, I press on into the poo.

If you’ve been following this saga, you know the last question Shay asked was “So what should a girl do if she doesn't want to be considered ‘one of the guys?’” I, being one to speak first and think later, said, “I don’t know, probably the same thing a guy should do if he wants to be more than ‘a good friend.’” Alas, that social void that we all hope to escape. Shay, sensing the depravity of the situation, asked again, “which is?” “I don’t know,” I told her, “if I did, I wouldn’t be somebody’s ‘good friend’ right now.” “So we’re in the same boat?” she asked. “Yeah,” I said, “and it ain’t no cruise ship.” See, there’s nothing an individual can really do to take the “you’re a good friend” relationship to more than a platonic level. One has progressed into that “like family” area where it would feel more like you were dating a cousin or something freaky like that.

What I’m getting at is a friendship continuum. At the point on the continuum that you meet someone for the very first time, you cross into the acquaintance phase. Obviously, you and the person are acquaintances, you’re on an “I know that name” or “I know that face” basis. Other than the superficial details, you don’t know a lot about the other person. When you begin to know them on that “first name” or “buddy” type basis, you’ve crossed into the “friends” phase. You know where they work, you know some of their personal favs, and you begin to hang around each other when a convenient occasion presents itself. At some point during this “friends” phase is the “dating window.” It’s the literal window of opportunity where a dating relationship could start without any awkwardness. You know enough about the other person to know he or she would be a cool person to hang out with and get to know seriously, but not enough personal information that, if a breakup occurred, would lead to awkward situations like all-out personal wars, lawsuits, moving, or any other change in the habitual routine we all like to have. If you choose the window of opportunity, then you make the transition into the relationship continuum (an entirely different subject that, if enough interest is shown from the readership, I’m not scared to delve into later). If you continue along the friendship continuum and either miss or ignore the window of opportunity, you’ll eventually cross into that bloody awful “you’re a good friend” (or, in Shay’s case, “just one of the guys”) phase. At this point, you’re like adopted family. And we all know what happens when family gets together in that “family tree that doesn’t branch” kinda way.

I’m thoroughly convinced that the majority of the time relationships don’t work out (mine included) is that people choose to enter them outside of the window of opportunity. The best example of this is those countless times I’ve heard, “but if we start a relationship and it doesn’t work out, it will hurt our friendship, and I don’t want to do that.” I thought for a long while that it was a copout, just an excuse to get that dorky dingdong kid out of the way. A former college roommate once told me, “Sam, your best friends make the best girlfriends.” He, of course, was dating one of his best friends at the time. I saw him a couple years later, and he told me that after the fun initial play stage that every relationship goes through, things just got “really weird when the new wore off.” And he’s right. You get to know too much about a person that they become undatable after a period of time. I mean, you wouldn’t want to date one of your racin buddies or one of the gals you go party with on “girls night out.” At this point, the individual is one of those friends you have that, if you’re both single when you turn 40, you decide to settle with each other, thinking that if you both look like losers, then neither of you will look like a loser.

Then there are the couples that hook up during the initial friendship phase that don’t know enough about each other to be dating yet. It’s like the dreaded blind date from hell: outings filled with silence, obligatory but meaningless niceties at the end of dates, and an overall feeling of unfulfillment from being in a relationship for the sake of being in a relationship. Those suck more than the best friend relationship feeling that you’re dating your sister (or brother or cousin or grandma, whatever). There’s no good way to end the “too early” relationship, because nothing bad has really happened that would warrant a normal break up. (S)he really hasn’t done anything to make you mad, like cheat on you or rob your refrigerator or make a general nuisance of himself or herself, and you haven’t really done anything wrong, like not call or forget his/her birthday or run over his/her pet rabbit that would make him/her not talk to you again (okay, so I’m not the best at coming up with examples of bad stuff that happens in a relationship…shoot me). For that matter, you don’t really want to, because (s)he is kinda cool, and if you could just find one or two things you had in common to talk about on those painfully long dates, things might actually work out. Instead, you eventually do intentionally skip calling, go out with somebody else, and run over his or her pet rabbit and things blow up. It sucks (not that I’d know or anything; none of my exes have ever had pet rabbits).

And finally, you’ve got “guys.” The only thing “guys” need to know about a girl is that she’s hot, and they can do that without saying anything. So, find a girl who’s really hot, get acquainted with her and hook up. It’s doubtful it lasts, unless he’s lucky enough to find a girl who wants the same thing. I think the technical term for her is “desperate.” He, on the other hand, is “deprived,” whatever that means. That’s why, as Shay astutely noted, that “FAT, UGLY girls can get guys” [caps hers, not mine--ed.].

At this point, I began blowing smoke out of several bodily crevices on what Shay could do to remedy her situation, assert her feminity, find a woodsy kinda person like herself, take tons of interpersonal communications classes and get a masters. Much to my surprise, she didn’t like any of them (note my tongue sticking through my cheek). I retorted, “For bein’ one of the guys, you’re sure stubborn like a girl.” Dumb thing to say, but it got the response I wanted: “I am a girl! And I’m not stubborn!!!! I just know what I want, just like guys know what they want.” A hasty generalization on her part, but since I’m guilty of the same thing, I let it slide. Instead, I said, “Well, whether good or bad, I’m not a guy because I don’t know what I want. Right now, I’m not opposed to putting girls on hold until my job situation [er, lack thereof--ed] is sorted out, unless one of the dream girls fell into my lap,” figuratively speaking, of course. Shay: “So you DO know what you want, or should I say who you want.” The guy in me replied, “Well, I’d be a fruit to give up a chance to go out with one of them. I’d also reconsider if somebody with an extra set of goals, ambitions and beliefs came along that I could steal, because I have yet to figure out if I have any of those either.” Shay: “Why don’t you change all this?” Me: “Because I lack the motivation to do it.”

And, ladies, there’s your answer to figuring out men. As the male of the species, we possess the ability to think coherently, act sensibly, and live successfully at any given point in time. The big thing for us is that at the majority of these points in time, we don’t bloody care how we think, act and/or live, and thus, don’t make choices toward life, liberty, and the pursuit of a relationship. Thus, you, as the coherent thinking, sensibly acting, and successfully living female of the species must find the subtle ways of motivating us into choosing to do what you want us to do during those times where we don’t bloody care. Relationships, in this sense, are like a big game of social chess. Trap the king, force a checkmate, game over.

The way I see it, though, ladies have the upper hand. I mentioned the three basic male needs earlier; that’s really all it takes to figure out guys. I’ve heard rumors females have three basic needs too, and to a point I believe it. They want to feel secure, they want to feel valued, and, off in right field, there’s that whole motherhood thing. But, as I’ve discovered, making girls, ladies, and/or women feel secure, valued, and motherhooded is a far bigger task than it appears on paper. I think once I figure that out, I’ll begin to understand what it takes to not be “a good friend” anymore.

Any ideas? Write it up, post it on a blog, and leave me the link. I seriously want to figure this out.