Of Love and War

Word of wisdom for today: don’t start reading your horoscope just because it’s opposite the comics. Yesterday’s astrological hypothesis was another winner:

“The dynamic between you and your romantic hopeful is getting interesting, humorous, and/or annoying. The more you ignore this person, the more he/she adores you.”

Well, since I have no idea who this so-called ‘romantic hopeful’ is and therefore can’t pay her any attention, I don’t think I can mess this one up (if indeed the hypothesis turns out to be true—I half-think it’s a load of bovine feces). Of course, this is banking on the “absence makes the heart grow fonder” notion, which is true to a certain extent. I often find myself digressing into thoughts of “what if” and “what should I do” after any kind of remotely successful social encounter (and yes, the barometer for determining “successful” has been lowered during the “Great Drought of the 20s”—some would rather call it the “college years”).

The negative side effect of the absence produces fondness theory is that one inevitably has to go through relationship purgatory (commonly known as limbo) before seeing results. Unlike the popular party game, social limbo sucks. Compare it to that feeling of non-hunger-non-fullness that makes one ponder whether to eat dessert or snack after a meal—you’re sick if you do, you’re hungry if you don’t. The exact same thing can be said of limbo. You’re sick on an emotional level—if not a physical level as well—if you keep to the absence program, because its driving you crazy that some resolve can’t come of the situation. But once you break the silence, one phone call leads to another call and the twiterpated thirst won’t ever be quenched.

Limbo’s not necessarily a bad place to be if one knows how to manage it. I remember reading something about a year ago (though I don’t remember where) that said something to the effect of “If you’re forced to rest, a laurel is as good a place as any to do it.” Looking at the dearth of opportunity that is life at this point, limbo doesn’t sound like a bad vacation from reality. While it is always possible to over-think a situation, limbo gives one a chance to play out various scenarios. It gives a person time to talk to members of his or her personal cabinet (yes, everybody needs a personal cabinet; let me know if I need to explain this concept, it’s actually one of my better theories) and come up with a war plan for almost every possible situation. By the time the battle breaks out, it’s possible a guy or gal could have several good and reliable courses of action that would prevent the new-relationship jitters.

But, after awhile (days, weeks, months…kinda depends on the opposition), the whole “out of sight, out of mind” opinion becomes more relative. Guys’ attention spans are only as long as the time between commercial breaks during the game, and we’ve already got a lot to think about then. I mean, you’ve got quarterback ratings, cheerleaders, rushing stats, cheerleaders, receiver vs corner matchups, cheerleaders and a whole heckuva lot of other stuff to keep track of; not much time to ponder limbo. That’s why it’s apparent to me that the whole be obvious approach to relationship initiation is the best on both fronts. Guys gotta do enough to make the girl stick in the mind longer than the next big play, and gals gotta do enough to make sure they stick in the mind more than the dynamics of the game (and no, dynamics is not slang for cheerleader).

So, what’s there to do while in limbo? Using the war metaphor, before engaging in battle, one needs to send out a good recon team to gather intelligence. In fact, I’ve got an official “Director of Intelligence” on my personal cabinet solely for the purpose of gathering intel (granted, each cabinet member functions as an intelligence gatherer at times, but its always good to have a go-to person). Take all the information you can get, and start coming up with various scenarios and courses of action with your “Secretary of Defence.” In the meantime, don’t go out of your way to avoid engaging the opposition (well, avoid the “traditional” engagement, because, you know, nobody’s gone strait from limbo to being engaged, but engaged as in a meeting or an encounter). While engaging the opposition can be awkward, awkward moments lead to more obviousness and obviousness leads to decisions, whether good or bad. At the same time, don’t go looking for a fight when there’s no opposition to fight. Provoking action unnaturally would be somewhat intimidating; and intimidating, unsubstantiated action is akin to terrorism (and nobody likes terrorists). The key is to realize when the window of opportunity is open the widest to avoid snagging the clothing as one jumps through (unless, of course, you’re a nudist; then its even more important not to snag stuff).

If only there were a mathematical equation one could use to figure out the probability of success…