Head-to-Head, Round Three

The pointless-to-this-point debate over the differences of guys and gals continues with yet another recount from yesterday. It has been brought to my attention that gals like to hang out at shoe stores and other gal’s pads. But where do single gals live? Houses? Compounds? Beauty salons? Shoe stores? And why in the world would gals hoping to be noticed by guys congregate in private places like houses and shoe stores? Momma didn’t raise no ordinary fools; we’re not going in those places unless we’re suckered into it by a significant other (and we better darn well be rewarded for our expense). Gals, please, come out into public. You’ll make the world a prettier place. Score remains 4 all.

Round Three: Psychographics

A good friend of mine always insisted that the key to getting anything in life (and I do think he meant anything) lies in one’s ability to market him or herself. It’s too bad I slept through all the marketing classes I took as an undergrad; they’d have come in handy here.

1) Personality: Crap, this is a lot tougher than I thought it would be. Previous research leads me to think guys have three personality types, as per the box theory, and girls have four or five as suggested by the friends theory. I have no idea which is better. I also have no idea how to figure out gals’ personality type; it’s probably because I have no personality. ADVANTAGE: even

2) Value-system: When making decisions, guys consider two things. How will “the guys” think, and what will girls think. Gals consider, um, many more things than this. “Will it cause me to look fat?” “Will this cause me to sleep less?” “What happens if it causes the end of the world?” “Can I pay with credit cards?” “What will Mom think?” “What will my puppy think?” “Will it leave the toilet seat up?” “Does it match my shoes?” All that just to pick out a loaf of bread. ADVANTAGE: guys

3) Response mechanisms: Guys have one response mechanism: walk it off. Whether it’s a stomach virus, a bullet to the leg, the death of the huntin’ dog, or the loss of the home team, guys walk it off. Dude can have a car wreck that leaves him paralyzed, and he’s still gonna attempt to get of bed and walk a few laps around the hospital like nothing ever happened. Gals break a nail and nuclear holocaust ensues. I know a lot of you are claiming stereotype, but where there’s smoke, there’s fire. And you couldn’t pay me enough money to be around a gal during that time of the month. ADVANTAGE: guys

4) Primary hot button: Guys have two hot buttons. One’s the stomach, the other’s slightly below the stomach. Girls have hot buttons too. Unfortunately, I always push the wrong hot button and make her mad instead of happy. Is there a wiring diagram of a girl somewhere I can study? ADVANTAGE: guys

5) Fears – Gals are scared of lots of things. They’re scared of being alone and not being taken care of. They’re scared of spiders, snakes, and other creepy-crawlies. They’re scared of being overweight, underweight, too tall, too short, too attractive, too ugly, too smart, too dumb, too hungry, too full, too bossy, too indecisive, too loud, and too quiet. They’re also scared of loaves of bread. Guys are scared of girls. ADVANTAGE: girls

6) Passions – Gals like lots of things too. They like group shopping trips and moonlit walks on the beach. They like intimacy and friendship and getting to know people while shopping at the mall. They like a sense of humor and intelligence in the clerks at the stores where they shop. And I’ve heard they also like shopping and shoes. Guys like girls; and doing things with girls. ADVANTAGE: girls

Discussion: by my unofficial count, the guys have their first lead of the game. They did it by being superficial and easy to figure out. Maybe gals should take a lesson while they’re drowning a cricket in bug spray and hunting for a new pair of pumps. I still think this may be the most pointless thing I’ve done with my life. Of course, if the guys win, I’m brilliant.

End of Round Three: Guys 7, Gals 6