Head-to-Head, round one

Obviously nothing’s come of the whole horoscope incident of last week. I know that comes as a great surprise, but it still needed to be said. What’s the statute of limitations on something like that anyway? Does it mean I’m gonna be stuck with the next girl I turn into a psychotic babbling idiot or has my supernatural ability expired?

Anywho, the marriage equation is still in the works. I’m having to review all the calc and trig notes from high school and early college life, which is a slow, painful process. Believe it or not, there exists very little quantitative research on the subject, which is fine since I like to think of myself as a pioneer. The bad part is that I’ve got to start from scratch.

So, I thought the best way to do this would be to just put guys and gals up against each other in a head-to-head style format, matching traits, characteristics, and anything else I deem worthy of consideration in an effort to look for commonalities, patterns, abnormalities, or anything else noteworthy (plus, there’s not really much else to write about right now).

Round One: Physical Traits

1) Hair – I might as well start at the top and work my way down. It’ll be easier to keep things straight. Guys normally have hair. It’s not normally confined to their head. Even that which is on their head has a tendency to disappear or become disorderly. Gals have hair too, and (hopefully) the only place they got it is on their head. Even when they’re having “bad hair days” (whatever the crap those are), its more orderly than my “good hair days.” And gals’ hair typically smells like fruit. ADVANTAGE: gals

2) Eyes – Guys have eyes. They’re used to look. Gals have eyes. They’re used to give the look. No contest. ADVANTAGE: guys

3) Nose – seemingly a tossup, since everybody’s got a nose and most noses do the same thing. Girls typically stick their noses in a lot more places they don’t belong, though. ADVANTAGE: guys

4) Mouth – another tossup. Guys have mouths, and not a lot comes out of them, which is good mind you. The bad, though, is that half of the stuff that does come out of our mouths is normally classified under that “bodily function” category and not as “verbiage.” Gals have mouths too, and although very few use it for the “bodily function” thing (which, I think more of them should; there’s something mildly fascinating—if not attractive—about a girl that burps), gals use their mouths way too much. ADVANTAGE: even.

5) Midsection – I could seriously damage myself here. Suffice it to say as great as arms, pecs, and abs can be to guys, gals were created with breasts. They’ve caused guys problems ever since. ADVANTAGE: gals

6) Lower body – another potential area detrimental to my social well-being. The short of it, gals look good in tight jeans, shorts, dresses, sandals, tennis shoes, pumps, or any combination of the above. I never bothered to notice how guys look. ADVANTAGE: gals.

Discussion: This was a seemingly pointless exercise. Like all good academic research, the mini-study revealed nothing new and stated the obvious in more flowerly language (well, maybe not). Girls look good. Guys look at girls and only hope girls look at them. Score through 1: Guys 2, Gals 3.

Maybe Round two will be more productive.