Head-to-Head, Final Round

I’m growing weary of this bloody awful exercise, especially since its apparently already reinforcing what I know. Some people think I already know enough to be a dangerous lady slayer. Pshaw, I say; just because a guy knows a lot about food doesn’t mean he can cook something in the oven. The point, of course, is that knowledge—especially for guys—doesn’t equate into social aptitude. Girls at least have those two weapons strapped to their chest that they can use in emergency situations. Guys’ secret weapon gets them into emergency situations.

Final Round: Wild Cards

1) Initiation – In spite of what it may do to the space-time continuum, I’m going to reveal to all gals how to know if a guy’s interested in them: we talk to you. It’s that simple. If we want food, we go to the store; if we want shelter, we go to the house. If we want lovin, we go to the girl. It’s that friggin simple. Gals, on the other hand, throw out so many varying signals that we don’t know whether you want us to stay on base or attempt to advance on the next pitch (that’s guy-speak for “BE MORE OBVIOUS”). Sometimes gals talk to guys because they’re interested, other times its because they’re just being nice, or that they have nothing better to do. And there’s no rhyme or reason to their conversation. There’s no hints or structure or anything different about a “hey baby” conversation from a “poor baby” conversation. That sucks. ADVANTAGE: guys

2) Interaction – Here’s the real reason why guys and gals still, to this day, don’t understand each other: neither of us can speak the other’s language. For gals to be able to talk to guys, they need to know the firing order of a small block Chevrolet (1-8-4-3-6-5-7-2) or anything else about cars and engines, statistics of a major sports figure, any small part of a Larry the Cable Guy routine, or some mildly impressive electronics speak. And, really, it doesn’t have to be correct information about engines, sports, electronics, or whatever; just throw something out there and we’ll lead the conversation. For guys to be able to talk to gals, they need to know about 50% off sales, color-clothing coordination, buy 1 get 1 sales, color-furniture coordination, holiday sales, candle and body lotion fragrances, and anything else about sales. It’s easier to get certification in nuclear technology or brain surgery than it is to figure out sales and coordination. And why hasn’t Bath & Body Works come out with “Motor Oil Madness” yet? It'd do better than cucumber melon. ADVANTAGE: even

3) Intangibles – The true wild card of the contest, which is basically the stuff that needs to be addressed that doesn’t fit anywhere else. And there’s not a lot that I can think of (then again, after pondering about this profoundly significant but inconsequential topic for a week, I don’t really want to think much for awhile). For instance, guys tend to pull more money into their pockets, but I’d venture a guess that very few guys manage the money better most gals. I figure it’s because we don’t shop a lot. And if shopping’s so valuable an experience, why is there no “Advanced Shopping and Consuming” in the Economics Department at most colleges? And even though the whole stereotype about asking for directions when lost is pretty well true of guys, its because guys typically make better split-second decisions than girls (if you don’t believe me ladies, how many spontaneous purchases at your shopping outings have had adverse effects on your finances days or weeks after the event? “More times than guys’ wrong turns” is the correct answer), and as such, we’re cool with trusting our gut—however much of one we’ve got. Differences like these can’t really be measured or compared, just merely accounted for. ADVANTAGE: the intangibles.

Discussion: So, unofficial results: Guys 8, Gals 6, Intangibles 1. Not surprising considering the biases this researcher took into the study. And I’m still not sure what the significance of the whole thing is. If anything, it’s just reinforced a theory posed to me by “the co-worker who knows better” a few days ago. “Dingdong, in the animal kingdom there are foxes and there are hedgehogs. Foxes are crafty, cunning, and generally find creative and complex ways to solve problems. Hedgehogs are simple. The only thing they do is curl up in a ball and prick the crap out of you, but somehow it works. Girls are foxes—yes, in more ways than one—and guys are hedgehogs.”

I always was a big fan of Sonic. Never liked Tales much.